Bastards and Bastardy

Some of my conspecifics seem to worry a great deal about bastardy. They see bastardy as a leading indicator of moral and cultural decline. It may very well have a spurious relationship with moral and cultural shifts, but I don’t reckon that bastardy in and of itself should concern anyone. My conspecifics don’t see it that way, though, and seem to take the Dan Quayle view that Murphy Brown’s bearing a child without a husband was immoral per se (although, unlike Quayle, my acquaintances at least seem to be aware that Murphy Brown was a fictional character).

I am pro-bastard and pro-bastardy, so I like to take on the issue from time to time. Sometimes I frame the question to the anti-bastardists by asking if it is the state issued marriage license that removes the taint of immorality from childbearing. So far, almost nobody has admitted to me that they think that it is within the power of the state to decree what is or is not moral, and they inevitably move to arguing about the deleterious consequences of bastardy. They concede that a man and woman might form a family without permission from the state and raise up children just fine, but they imagine that most bastards in the real world belong to single mothers. Single mothers sometimes cannot provide for a child as well as a two parent family can. Even Murphy Brown’s child would suffer from want of a father, and the anti-bastardist reckons that he would be better off if he had never been born even taking into account the presence of Eldon the housepainter.

This leads me to another reframe of the issue. Should a person put off having children until conditions are perfect for childrearing? Children with nannies do better than children without them by almost any measure; therefore, it might be selfish to have children until you can afford a nanny. Nobody admits that they think conditions have to be perfect, but they claim that a two parent nuclear family is the least that a child should expect. Their authority for this assertion is weak, and it is generally conceded at some point that it is an arbitrary metaphysical assumption. The bottom line is that it is believed that a bastard will likely be harmed by the absence of a father in the home and that, as a consequence, the child will grow up all twisted and antisocial and beget bastards of his or her own in an endless cycle of moral decline.

Pretend I am a woman. Suppose I want a child but am not all that marriageable or can’t find a marriageable man. Must I give up mothering altogether? I don’t reckon it’s any of their business, but the anti-bastardist wants me to stay childless until I meet their standards. They lie awake at night worrying that I might reproduce and ruin my life, the child’s life, and society. Please stop pretending I am a woman now.

Most anti-bastardists whom I have known would not advocate the use of force to discourage or punish bastardy, nor would they like to see a bastard stigmatized in any way because of his or her parents’ choices. They just like to broadcast their disapproval of bastardy in the hope that it will catch on and slow down the hellward progress of society. I can live with that even though I have a distrust of anyone who displays such an unhealthy interest in the private choices of strangers.

Some are such zealous anti-bastardists that they advocate stern measures, including removal of bastards from their parents and placement in foster homes, presumably two parent foster homes. I seem to recall Newt Gingrich suggesting this at one time back when he was riding high. That’s harsh and far too costly to put in place, but the zealot reckons that the social costs of bastardy will be mitigated enough to make it worthwhile to pay for fosterage on a large scale. I can’t abide the notion that anyone has a legitimate interest in regulating the reproduction of another human being or interfering in his or her childrearing practices. But there are erstwhile social engineers on both the right who aim to create a Daddy State and on the left who aim to create a Nanny State. They are the real bastards.