Monday Night Potty Training

Mrs Vache Folle just handed me the Fall 2008 Continuing Education schedule for the Carmel Central School District. Course #108 on Monday evenings from 6:30-8:30 is "Potty Training". Tuition, at $45, seems like a steal. If you need continuing education on how to use the potty, I reckon this would be a sound investment. Most of us were taught by amateurs and never had the benefit of professional educators. Maybe a refresher might not be such a bad idea. I may have been doing it all wrong all these years for all I know.

I don't remember not being potty trained. Back when I was a young'un, folks stuck us on the pot as soon as we could sit up. Cloth diapers were a pretty good incentive. Also having diapers out to dry on the line as your kid aged was generally taken as a sign that your kid was feebleminded.

Nowadays, I see kids that seem pretty old to me walking around with pantloads rather than going to the bathroom, and their parents appear to be disinclined to press the matter. They're not doing their kids any favors. Frankly, if my parents had let me endure months of uncomfortable pantloads instead of informing me about the convenient potty alternative, I'd have figured they didn't love me very much. Thanks, Mom and Dad, for sharing the secret of the bathroom without undue delay.

I have spoken with some of these seemingly hateful parents who let their kids crap themselves for months on end, and I have been surprised to learn that they believe that their children will start going in the potty when they are "ready". Ready? Who isn't ready for such useful information as the existence and purpose of the potty?

It should be a pretty simple matter to potty train your kids. I've never done it, but I imagine that all it takes is a little explanation and instruction.

Dad: "Billy, you know how sometimes you crap in your pants and how uncomfortable that can be?"

Baby: "Sure do, Dad. And it's more than a little humiliating to have to be cleaned up and to wear a diaper."

Dad: "Guess what, Billy? When you need to crap, you get a certain feeling that should serve as a signal."

Baby: "Come to think of it, I've often noticed a twinge in the bowel a few minutes before I poop all over myself. I have come to dread the inevitable pantload that ensues."

Dad: "When you get that feeling, head for the bathroom and sit on the commode. Lower your trousers first, and the poop will fall into the bowl rather than soiling your pants."

Baby: "Why didn't you tell me this before?"