The Best of Everything!

I don't know for sure if there are other universes, but I do know, that if there are, this universe is the best of all. Do I sound like a dumbass when I say that I am really proud of this universe? Look at it. It's bult on the anthropic principle, and I'm anthropic. And it contains the best cluster of galaxies ever, the Local Group.

I thank God that I was born in the Local Group and not in one of those accursed other galactic clusters. Did I mention how proud that I am of the Milky Way, the best damn galaxy in the best damn cluster in the best possible universe? If I could find a pin with the distinctive beautiful spiral of the Milky Way, I'd wear it on my lapel, if I had lapels. I might have to do with a magnet on the car.

I am the only candidate for president who has come out to say how very proud I am of the Solar System. Why is that? Would the others rather live in some other star system? I won't hold my breath waiting for the media to ask the candidates why they hate the Sun and its companions.

Let's not forget what a great planet Earth is, the best planet ever. I could not be more proud of my planet. And what a lucky stroke it was for me to be born in the best hemisphere, any way you look at it, northern or western. You can guess how I feel about the northwest quadrant and the greatest continent ever to emerge from plate tectonics. All of terrestrial history before North America was just a prelude. I'm starting to choke up here thinking about my beloved continent. I've been to other continents, three of them, and I've always been thrilled to return to the continent where my own bathroom is.

I am a subject of the United States, which is the best nation state on the best continent, and I live in New York, the greatest state of them all, and in the best county, Dutchess County. I pity all of you who don't live in East Fishkill, and I know you must envy me the privilege of living in the zip code of Stormville, on Hosner Mountain, in my house, the greatest house ever, and my upstairs bathroom, the best room in the best house. Where do the other candidates stand on my bathroom? I'd like to know.