Have you ever wondered if you're an alcoholic? Me neither. I know that I'm not an alcoholic because I pass the CAGE test with flying colors.
Two "yes" responses indicate that the respondent (me) should be investigated further. The questionnaire asks the following questions:
Q: Have you ever felt you needed to Cut down on your drinking?
A: Only because of the calories involved and because of concerns about mixing alcohol with some of my prescription meds. I might cut down as part of a diet plan and to help my meds work better, but I don't think this is what the questionnaire is looking into.
Q: Have people Annoyed you by criticizing your drinking?
A: On the contrary. People have praised my drinking and sometimes remark with admiration on the massive quantities I am capable of ingesting.
Q; Have you ever felt Guilty about drinking?
A: No. I've felt guilty about just about everything else. I have never had a drink when I wasn't supposed to. I never drive while impaired, and I usually confine my serious drinking to the home when I am done with my chores and can't do any harm.
Q: Have you ever felt you needed a drink first thing in the morning (Eye-opener) to steady your nerves or to get rid of a hangover?
A: Good Lord, no. I don't get hangovers, and I find that I usually wake up feeling like shit whether I drank the night before or not. For mornings, my drug of choice is caffeine.
So, it looks like no further investigation is warranted.