My First Campaign Promise: Honesty

When I ran for student council president at my high school, I decided to be completely honest. I pointed out that the presidency was a meaningless position that would serve no purpose except to let me pad my college applications. The council had no authority whatsoever outside of administering the homecoming parade and dance, and this was governed by so much tradition that there was no room for movement. My opponents promised all kinds of things: better lunches, more vending machines, longer intervals between classes. They knew they couldn’t deliver on these. I lost that election.

I still stand by my policy of complete honesty and as I make my run for the presidency I intend to give it to you straight. If I become your president, you can count on one thing. I am not a workaholic. Come 5:00, I’m done. I will doubtless break GW Bush’s record for vacation days. I aim to do as little as I possibly can while in office. Heck, I’d rather be Vice President and do absolutely nothing except pray for the president’s good health.

That said, you can be assured that I will do everything I can, short of working late or on weekends, to reduce the responsibilities of the executive branch. I don’t want more presidential power. That just means more presidential work. So look for me to return to the good old days when presidenting consisted of being the “Chief Magistrate”, so to speak. I will cut departments to the bone and eliminate entire programs if I have to. I will veto anything that might increase my workload.

Because international emergencies mean overtime, I will work to keep these to a minimum by engaging in a non-interventionist foreign policy.

Why not just delegate everything to underlings like Ronald Reagan, who was also stupendously lazy? Because, let’s be frank, the underlings are mostly going to be people whom I smoked pot with back in college. They can’t be trusted. There’s no reason to believe that they will be remotely competent. And lots of the appointees will be people I don’t even know. They’ll be cousins of friends of people I smoked pot with and such like. God only knows what they might do if left to their own devices. The best bet is to end the programs or streamline them so that no executive decisions will have to be made except in the most extreme circumstances.

Legislative initiatives? Who can be bothered? As far as I am concerned, that’s the job of the legislature. And what about letting states handle as much as possible? That’s the easiest way as far as I can see.

As president, I will not rest (Monday through Friday 9am –5 pm with a 2 hour lunch) until I have made the presidency a sinecure. If you’re looking for a vigorous, hardworking, self starter in the Oval Office, I am not your man.