Weak Character No Bar to the White House

Another objection to my candidacy is that my character is flawed. It's true. Then again, the parties' candidates are even more flawed. They want to be president and will do whatever it takes to make that happen. That's as sure a sign of a bad character as I can think of. I, on the other hand, don't really want to be president at all, and I will not expend any real effort to get elected. I will serve if elected by some miracle out of a sense of duty and the conviction that God must have willed it.

Sure, I have been financially irresponsible in my life. But that was with my own money. As president, I'll be making a quarter of a million bucks a year and will have a free house and a monster expense account. In the past, I just didn't have enough money. As your president, I'll be rolling in it. After I'm done, I'll have book deals and speaking fees to keep me in fine style.

I smoked pot and used recreational drugs in the past. It's true. I bet the other candidates have, too. Besides, do you really want to have the dweeb who wouldn't take a hit off the joint as your president? Of course not.

I'll admit it. I have patronized sex workers. What of it? I paid them, didn't I? I respect them for their professionalism. I do not view this as any reflection on my character.

I am mentally ill, but my illness is well controlled with medication. Can my opponents say the same?

I am undisciplined and gluttonous. What's your point? You won't see me making a bunch of secret service agents go jogging or biking. And I won't be clearing any brush. I am one of you, oh mass of obese Americans! I feel your pain, and hunger.

I experience lust. I've never been presented with the temptation of an intern who wanted to blow me, so I don't know how I would deal with it. I'm apparently not very blowable in any event so the issue probably won't come up.

So don't let the fact that I have a weak character and questionable judgment influence you against me. All these flaws can be dealt with or even put to good use in my office. If my sloth should fail me and I become overly active, you can count on my gluttony to kick in and distract me.