Little Kids are Gross

I'm not one of those germophobes who keeps a can of Lysol on his desk and washes with antibacterial soap a dozen times a day. Very few things skeeve me out, and I'm not afraid to get down in the muck when I have to. Growing up on a farm, you get used to dealing with all kinds of effluvia and excreta. I'll sit on a dead cow and eat a burger, but little kids give me the heebie-jeebies.

I can't stand their sticky little fingers and the constant streams of snot flowing out of their tiny little nasal cavities. Half the time, they are walking around with loads in their pants, and they'll put anything in those filthy little mouths of theirs. They think nothing of sticking their fingers up their asses and then touching all your walls or your food or even your face. How do parents stand it? Don't they see their children for the filth bombs that they are?

And they carry all kinds of viruses and bacteria. Half the time I am exposed to a child, I get sick with some upper respiratory infection. I try to keep my distance for this reason, and I don't care any more if parents get offended when I don't want to come into direct contact with their child or anything that it touched.

Have you ever seen a little kid eat? The chimps at the zoo eat more decorously. Pardon me if I'd rather not sit across from or next to your toddler at the table. Talk about an appetite suppressant!

Using the bathroom that kids use is an adventure. I don't much want to use the same bathtub that they used and where they frequently crap and always pee while bathing. That hand towel hanging up in their bathroom? It belongs in the medical waste receptacle, and I'll just dry my hands on my pants.

Anyway, your kids probably aren't like this.