I Begin to Lay Out My Agenda

If I had a campaign manager, he or she would probably point out that I have devoted too much effort to telling folks why they might not want to vote for me and not enough time on why they should embrace my candidacy. I have explained in general terms what it would mean for an unknown, running under an alias with no money and solely as a write in, with no political party to support me to be elected. It would mean that I would have the power to bring about change, not just talk about it. Moreover, my core characteristic of sloth would insure that change would be in the direction of less executive authority and devolution of power to the states and to the people. I will begin in the next weeks to lay out my agenda as president for the electorate to evaluate.

Let me begin by pointing out that I don't have many friends or close relatives. And since I will be elected by regular folks without any political favors to be repaid, I won't be able to begin to fill all the political appointee jobs that will be in my gift. So, I'm going to leave the vast majority of them vacant and save their salaries and expenses. Let's face it, these political appointees don't usually know what they're doing anyway, and by the time they get up to speed they're being replaced. They are dispensable, especially for me since I don't need to buy votes by giving out sinecures to political hacks and their in-laws.

Speaking of dispensable employees, on the first big snow day after my inauguration, I will declare a holiday for all but indispensable federal employees in Washington. Anybody who doesn't show up for work will then be laid off. I recognize that these are hardworking, capable folks who do a good job for America, but the rest of you really shouldn't be forced, at the point of a gun, to support "dispensable" federal activities. Besides, think of what a boon it will be to the private sector when all these talented, productive individuals devote themselves to more meaningful pursuits.

I will begin on my first day the immediate withdrawal of the armed forces from Iraq and Afghanistan, and I will initiate audits of contracting in the war zones with a view to recovering what has been lost to fraud and abuse. All no bid contracts will be cancelled at once.

These are just a few of the things I will do right away, and you can see that substantial savings will be realized.