You Are Throwing Away Your Vote No Matter Whom You Vote For, so You MIght as Well Vote for Me

Some may argue that voting for me would be akin to "throwing away your vote". It probably would, but so would voting for any of the candidates from the political parties. If any of them is elected, it will be more of the same, so voting for them is not really expressing any meaningful choice.

A vote for me, however, is a vote for real change. Even if I don't get elected, which I probably won't, you'll have sent a message that business as usual is intolerable to you. Of course, nobody much cares what you think anyway. Except me, the candidate who cares, a little at least.

If I am elected it will be a miracle and would require unprecedented grassroots support. Think about it. I am not aligned with any party, and my name will not appear on any ballot. I'm not going to raise any money or advertise or appear in any debates. Hell, I'm not even using my real name to campaign. That means if I get elected that I will have so much genuine popular support that Congress and the media won't be able to mess with me. I'll be able to get my radical agenda across and ram it down the establishment's throat. Unless they have me assassinated or something. I won't be beholden to anyone except you, the people, who put me in office. I won't even be beholden to you, to tell the truth, but that's beside the point.

But what if I turn out to be a tyrant or fail to follow through on my promises? Tyranting is hard work, too hard for my liking, so that's not a real concern. If I don't follow through on my radical agenda, you won't have lost anything because the other candidates certainly won't do anything about the situation in Washington. Moreover, I would lose my moral authority to defy Congress and the media, and I can't be bothered with being president if I can't cut government down to size and increase individual freedom. I'm not really in this for the salary and free housing, although those will be nice. Anyway, why would I squander the incredible opportunity that my miraculous election, brought about by millions of people writing in my fake name, presents to effect real and lasting change? The bottom line is that you just have to trust me. I can't be any worse than the other guys, and you know it.

Let me give you an example of how my presidency, backed by popular support, might work. Take the War on Drugs, for example. The War on Drugs does more harm than the drugs themselves and costs way more than any legitimate benefit that the people derive from it, so I am for ending it. I will suggest to Congress that they repeal the prohibitions on drugs. Even if they don't do this, I will set the priorities of the executive branch such that the War on Drugs will be very low indeed. And I will pardon anyone convicted of a drug offense in a federal court. If Congress doesn't like it, they can impeach me, if they dare what with my incredible popularity and all. Of course, if you don't want to end the War on Drugs, you might not want to vote for me if it's that important to you to be a wanker who butts into other people's affairs all the time.

Another thing I could do with your suypport is veto anything I don't like that comes out of Congress, even if it's just a miniscule rider or earmark. If the government gets shut down, I don't care, and you probably won't either. The longer it stays shut, the more folks will see that it is dispensable. Let Congress override my vetos and show where they stand.

Vote for me, or don't vote.