More Electioneering

When I become President, I'm not ever going to wear a tie. I won't let anyone call me Mr President. I'll just go by my first name. Instead of Hail to the Chief, I'll have "Bad to the Bone" played on a boom box.

My White House won't be anything like the "West Wing", that TV show where White House aides constantly roamed the corridors in packs talking real fast and never going home. In my White House, quitting time will be 5:00, and folks will be expected to go home to their families and have lives. I'm going to look younger when I leave office thanks to that gym in the basement.

I probably won't bother with press conferences. I'll have a web page where anyone, journalist or not, can post questions, and someone on the staff will try to answer all but the stupid ones. If your question doesn't get answered within a reasonable time, it's because it was a dumbass question. This process will allow us to do any research we might need and get out a meaningful response instead of spewing out some off the cuff nonsense. If I could get Stephen Colbert to be my communications director, that would be great.

I will continue to blog. I'll have a lot more readers, so I'll probably take ads and make a few bucks on it. I'll have a weekly radio or TV show which, unlike past Presidents' shows, will have a variety format.

I won't give out Medals of Freedom except to wankers whom I aim to insult. Perhaps egregious lobbyists and parasitic contractors would make good recipients. I'll think of some other way to honor the truly honorable, as if they needed it.

Every day, I will commute the sentence of at least one federal prisoner. Every day, each member of my Cabinet will be required to identify something that the agencies under their direction can stop doing or that can be left to the states or that can be done more cheaply. Every day, I will identify a corporate hog with its snout in the government trough and put pressure on Congress to stop the gravy train. By "every day", I mean every working day, of course.