Thursday, June 04, 2009

It Sucks to Be Me

I learned from my doctor the other day when we were reviewing my lab results that my triglycerides are way too high. I need to lose weight to get them down. My doctor suggsted that I check out Medifast because my antianxiety medication causes me to gain weight and makes it hard to lose weight. It's not my fault! It was the meds all this time. Self loathing can now be moderated. My plan is to taper down on the meds and quit drinking alcohol since it interferes with the meds in the first place. Also, I'll eat better and less and get more exercise. At least that's what Morning Guy aims to do. Evening Guy or Tomorrow Guy may have other ideas.

One of my big issues is guilt. I feel guilty all the time. Often I know that what I am about to do is going to result in intense feelings of guilt, but I do it anyway. I never made the leap to guilt as a deterrent. I blame my mother for this since she played the guilt card so much that it became meaningless. My guilt is unceasing and serves no purpose. It's like a phone that rings all the time whether or not anyone is calling. I feel bad about maligning my mother just now. I am a shitty, shitty son. Anyway, if only I could channel my guilt into helping me take healthy decisions. I am such a worthless wretch.

Also, my testosterone is way low, another side effect of my meds. Aside from reduced libido, this doesn't have any adverse impacts. I've been married to the same woman for over a quarter of a century, and I don't reckon I want to do anything that would upset our routine of quarterly sex, so I'm not going to get treatment for the hormone level. I might take some OTC supplements or some such thing, but no testosterone cream for me, thank you. Sex=guilt. I don't blame Mom for this. This was the Baptists. After sex, I want to apologize right away. Thanks for nothing, Baptists.

Other than the two anomalies, my blood and urine read normal. My good cholesterol was high and my bad cholesterol was only slightly high instead of astronomically high as it would be if I didn't take meds. I feel OK except for some fatigue (meds again). Now I'm worried about some hidden defect that, having been lulled into a sense of healthfulness by the lab results, I will fail to observe in time to treat. Damn it! I can't feel good about anything for even a minute.

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