Advice to Weeds

I like to weed the perennial beds and keep them in good order. It reminds of times I spent with my beloved grandmother caring for her beautiful garden. I treasured every moment with grandma in her garden, and now I take great pleasure in puttering around in my own.

Anyway, if you're a weed, there are a few ways to avoid being weeded:

1. Stop being a weed. Have nice flowers, like daisies or buttercups, or have medicinal properties, like purslane, and I'll pretend that I'm cultivating you.

2. Look similar to something that I'm cultivating, and I might not figure out that you are a weed until you have reproduced.

3. Insinuate yourself deeply within something I'm cultivating, like chickweed does, so that I can't get all of you without damaging my plants.

4. Grow in the path of Jasper aka "Dogzilla" where nothing else will grow, and I'll give up on your spot and just whack you once in a while with a string trimmer.

5. Have really deep roots and come back relentlessly no matter how many times I think I have killed you, you floral revenant you.

6. Grow beneath a plant that is constantly swarming with bees.

By the time July rolls around, all I'm left with are the weeds that have the aforesaid advantages. The easy weeds are gone, and the principal enemies are sour grass, chickweed, and grasses gone astray. I don't use any herbicides at all. Herbicides are for pussies.