My Parents Were Right. I Never Amounted to Anything.

It hit me today that I am probably never going to have a trophy wife. Even if I get rid of the current Mrs Vache Folle at some point, I didn’t turn out to be successful enough to attract a trophy wife. Also, I can’t afford to keep a wife who does not work, and it seems to me that trophy wives are looking to be kept. In any event the current Mrs Vache Folle is way better than I could do on the market if I were single. I could have done a whole lot worse, let me tell you.

I also realized that I am never going to participate in a threesome. I never have done, and there’s no prospect for it to happen in the future unless I hire two professionals to work me over. I never seem to have enough extra money to spend on prostitutes and I don’t even know where to find one where I live now, so I should just kiss the threesome dream goodbye.

I am never going to win the lottery, so I should probably take the lottery winnings out of my retirement planning picture. Retire? I doubt it. I will have to work until I die.

I will never even be nominated for an Academy Award. I will never write a novel or epic poem.

There are lots of things that I am never going to do. Most of them I never planned on doing, like scaling El Capitan or riding a bull in the rodeo, but some of them I always imagined I would accomplish. I wanted to learn to fly but it is unlikely that I will. I wanted to learn to play the banjo, but it smacks of effort and is unlikely to happen. I always meant to compete in a triathlon, but now I am too out of shape even to think about it. I dreamed of running for the school board, but now I can’t be bothered. I never saved anyone’s life. I never made a difference in a child’s life except to contribute to their need for therapy in the future. I doubt that I will. I just don’t have it in me.

I should just face it. I’m going to go to the office, come home and putter in the garden, watch TV and surf the web. And then I’ll die, unloved and unremembered. In heaven, I’ll have to live for eternity with the knowledge that I was a useless drone my whole life.