Morbid Obesity

I seem to be at a crossroads. Do I embrace gluttony and sloth and go on to look like Jarred before he discovered Subway, or do I buckle down and get on the diet and exercise train?

Apparently, obesity isn't all that bad for you, and I don't have to be attractive to women or anything, being married and all. Also, eating and napping are wonderful things. Sloth and gluttony are not the deadliest of the deadly sins, and I have heard that some Frenchmen have petitioned the Church to downgrade gluttony from deadly to venal. And it's not as if I am all that slothful or gluttonous, either. A surplus intake of 100 calories a day (about two Oreos) can add up to big weight gain over several years.

On the other hand, if I gain another pound, I will have to buy my clothes in the "Big and Tall" (I am not tall) section. I get winded playing fetch with Jasper, and he does all the work. It is becoming more difficult to reach all the nooks and crannies in the shower. I have a family history of diabetes and coronary disease.

I've been down this road before and have lost and regained about three tons. What I like to do is to set unreasonable and unattainable goals and then drive myself crazy with self loathing when I fail. I am a catastrophic thinker. If I'm not running 5 miles a day and lifting weights every day, then I might as well not exercise at all. If I am not on Scarsdale/Atkins/South Beach to the max, then I might as well be on the "Super Size Me" diet. I am a maroon.

This time, I think I will try something else, something sustainable. I have a bold new idea: eat somewhat less and exercise somewhat more, and keep track of my weight. My wife does this and has never strayed much from her fighting weight. A pound or so a week might be doable if I can cut out or use up just 500 calories a day by dieting and exercising. No pudding at lunch and less beer might just do the trick if I combine this with a brisk walk (perhaps with the dogs). If I am just a little mindful, I think I can improve my health and appearance without driving myself insane and without depriving myself of my principal pleasures in life. This might be easy for a sensible person, but with God's and the wife's help I may be able to do it despite being less than sensible.

I will adopt my favorite Bible verse as my mantra: Like a dog to its vomit, so returneth a fool to his foolishness. If I think of dog vomit before every meal, this should help me cut down. Then maybe I can finally get to the weight where I used to think I was fat.