Look at Me; I'm Dancing!

I attended my first ballroom dance class last night with Mrs Vache Folle. I missed last week’s class, so I was at a severe disadvantage. At least I hope that is why I was so hopelessly clumsy and singled out by the instructors several times for remedial instruction and to serve as a cautionary example to the other students. At one point, the lead female instructor had her hands around my throat. Despite my ineptitude, I had a very good time and look forward to the next class. I now have a rudimentary command of the waltz, box step, foxtrot, rhumba, and meringue.

I reckon my main problem, besides my being rhythmically challenged, is that my movements are too broad and dramatic, a legacy no doubt of having come of age in the disco era. I aim to take smaller, more controlled steps from here on.

I’m not looking to dazzle anyone with my dancing skills, just to keep from embarrassing myself on social occasions when dancing is called for. Until now, I couldn’t dance a lick and had to content myself with “free style” or disco moves that, now that I think of it, must have looked ridiculous.

When I was in Barbados, I recall feeling very awkward when people were dancing (as they usually were at some point in social gatherings). The popular dance at the time was “wukking up” which looked a lot like vertical dry humping from the back. I figured that I could perform the moves, but I didn’t know the etiquette. How do you ask someone to “wuk up” with you? “Pardon me, Miss, but would you like to simulate anal intercourse on the dance floor with me?” And are you supposed to remain flaccid or to manifest turgidity? Maybe my classes will get to “wukking up” later in the course, and these mysteries will be solved at last.

Once again, I blame the Baptists for another of my shortcomings. Dancing was evil, you see. This was because it was fun, for one thing, and all joy was forbidden. We were supposed to live joylessly and look forward to the release of sweet, sweet death. Secondly, dancing was seen as an occasion for other sins. Dancing would lead to lust, which was bad enough in and of itself, but this might also lead to sexual contact, than which there was no worse sin. Thanks a lot, Baptists!