Thursday, June 10, 2010

I Got Better

Prayer, fasting, soul searching, letting myself feel and crying like a baby, receiving prayers and words of comfort from friends. All these things have helped me realize that I will get through this. I find that I'm not only getting through this thing, but I am growing and learning.

I was in a panic about being all alone in the world. I have enjoyed an outpouring of love and support from friends and from my church and even readers of this blog. I have been prayed about and comforted and loved, and I have been moved to tears by it. I'm not alone.

Getting this panic out of the way has helped me acknowledge that my marriage has been in a zombie state for a long time. Mrs Vache Folle had the strength and courage to pull the plug, and I admire her for it. I have come to accept and to affirm her decision, and I aim to do anything I can as a loving friend to help her in this transition. I love her enough to know that letting her go is the most loving thing I can do.

I'm learning about gratitude. I'm thankful for the good times we had together and for her lovingkindness and solicitude over the years even when things were rocky. I'm thankful for the friendship I expect we will have in the future. I'm thankful for my friends and loved ones, and I aim to be a better friend, return love more freely and openly and pay it forward whenever I can. I thank God for my life and for the plans He has for me, and I am optimistic about my prospects for happiness and a fuller life. I thank Mrs VF for having the courage to to move on.

I'm learning about fear, how being afraid all the time is sucking the life out of me. I don't even know what it is I'm afraid of; it's just the default setting of my emotions since I was a child. I'm definitely afraid to feel, and the profound feelings I have been experiencing lately have allowed me to see that my feelings aren't going to destroy me. In fact, suppressing them will kill me if I keep it up. When I was a boy, I lived in a household where fear, dread and anxiety were constants, and I wonder if I somehow got stuck.

Thanks to my blog readers who offered words of encouragement and the rest of you whom I know have prayed for me. I'm getting better, and I expect to end up a better man, a better friend and closer to God out of all this.

1 comment:

Kevin Carson said...

You've got a yard of guts, and I'm glad you're grappling with finding a way to get back to living. I know it's a cliche, but just take things one day at a time, and look for something each day to get engaged in and keep from brooding.