Monday, May 24, 2010

When I Let Myself Feel

I've made a huge mistake over the years in thinking that medication was all I needed to deal with my anxiety and depression. Medication and alcohol have just been ways of avoiding having feelings and listening to what my unconscious has been trying to tell me. I have always been afraid that it will be demons all the way down. That the self loathing I feel is utterly justified and that I truly am a total piece a shit and not just someone who suspects that he might be a total piece of shit.

When I avoid these feelings and subconscious messages and dreams, when I drink myself to sleep or take a sleeping pill, or when I engage in obsessive and compulsive behaviors to occupy my mind against intrusive thoughts, I also block out any chance to feel anything pleasant or to learn any lessons or to be open to love. I have been experimenting with just feeling and letting my thoughts run rampant, and I am discovering that there are some disturbing programs running my life when I'm on auto-pilot. I have lots of faults, indeed I do, but I am also deep down a decent human being, and I believe I am capable of giving and receiving love.

What do I have to fear when I have already assumed the worst of myself?

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