An Open Letter to Commode Designers

Dear Commode Designers:

I have some user comments on a couple of commode designs I have encountered recently, and I hope they will help you make improvements.

The commodes in the men's locker room at my gym have completely round bowls and seats, and when I sit on them it is very difficult to cause the openings in both my anus and my penis to be situated over the target area. If I sit back enough to clear the way for urine, I will poop on the seat, and if I place the poop chute over the target area, the urine flow will be directed onto my feet and my trousers that are resting on them. I have to stretch my "nozzle" uncomfortably and point it to make sure that the urine flow is direted to the target area. This is not a good design. If I were any bigger I would be unable to shit and pee at the same time.

The commodes in one of the men's rooms at the Minneapolis Airport feature a lip inside the bowl at the front which directs urine flow upward and outward and onto one's clothing, the floor, even the door of the stall. This is a bad feature. Did you even try this design before you submitted it?

Public commodes in the third world inevitably end up without seats. I don't know why this is so or what the seat thieves are doing with them or whether the manufacturers just don't include seats in sales to the third world. Whatever. Make a third world commode that doesn't require a seat or force you to perform feats of contortion that require major development of the quads and that would challenge a yogi. You'll probably get a Nobel Prize if you do this. Mention me in your speech.

I hope this helps.

Sincerely yours,

Vache Folle